The Demise of Australian Sport. RIP

While the game itself is entertaining, arguably the banter surrounding it is where the true spirit of sport resides. Without being able to take the piss, or being able to laugh at odd aspects of a rival’s history, sport would be an arena of happy smiling faces, much like a church sing-along or Moony convention.  Perish the thought!

In order to feed the banter, since 2003, the sports section of the convict creations site had been giving readers the information they needed to take the piss. In the AFL, it told of the day that an angry Richmond fan dumped a load of chicken manure on the club’s doorstep in order to motivate the players to perform better. It also told of St Kilda’s impressive history, which included losing its, first 48 matches and “winning” 26 wooden spoons, a sequence of failure that seemed to endear them to the public.

Of course, there was more to the site that simply telling of failure. For example, when news of West Coast’s drug problems broke, it kept the public informed of how the club geared itself up to nip the problem in the bud. It followed their story right up to their crack at the 2006 grand final, when, iced up in the breaks, the players returned to the grass, showed a commitment to the pill, used their speed, delivered the knockout blow, and proved that they had truly passed the acid test.  

The site also helped clubs build their image for marketing purposes. For example, when Hawthorn decided the Hawk’s Eye should be reserved for the Queer Guy, the site helped them along by communicating its metasexual image. It spoke of its players who had names out of American soap operas,  such as Chance, Jordan, Xavier, Beau, and Buddy, as well as those which were decidedly phallic, such as Roughhead and Lance.

It wasn’t only the AFL that was subjected to the piss-take. The NRL also came in for its fair share. The site followed the parallels between the Bulldogs moniker and the behaviour of its players as they urinated on lampost on the street and women in nightclubs. Likewise, it pointed out the subliminal pairing of the blue and white colours to represent both the club, and the abundance of police officers that attended games to control the fans. Very clever marketing!

Last but not least, it gave a good account of human resource management in the Sharks football club. For example, it told of how CEO Tony Zappia tried to apologise to Jenny Hall for giving her a black eye by offering to let Hall spank him or join him in watching some pornography.

Cricket also received some commentary. This was very important for a game that involves watching 11 men in white clothes stand around a field for a few hours as a batsmen shoulders arms and a bowlers polishers a ball, then break to have lunch, shoulder arms again, then break again to have a cup of tea, shoulder arms again, then go home. The same thing occurs for another 4 days, and then after all that effort, call the whole thing a draw. To break up a game that moved about as fast as a Jamaican on valium, the site noted the huge ears on Adam Gilchrist that gave him a bit of a Yoda look and the triangular hairstyle of Craig McDermott that seemed to have been  inspired by female pubic hair.

Small ears are not. Big ears they are.

The site also tackled some of the difficult issues of cricket, such as yobbism. It gave an insight into the concern that Channel 9 commentators felt as they spoke about the pride of playing for Australia only to then hear Australians chanting "members are wankers" and then running onto the field without wearing any trousers!

Sadly, all things must come to an end. Due to resource constraints, it is not possible to keep the site updated or improved to a level that it should be. Due to author’s personal pride, he feels a third rate outdated version just isn’t good enough to be shared online. Australian sport deserves quality piss taking or none at all.

On the positive side, there are plenty of other resources where one can get a sporting fix. For example, TV sports reports frequently have exciting coverage that includes footage of 22 men standing motionless in Port Phillip Bay during a recovery session, or throwing passes as the "team trains without incident."  For some people, footage of recovery sessions is even more exciting than test cricket, and is well worth sitting through 20 minutes of news just to see motionless men stand in the water looking cold. The only thing that could to top it would be news of a training session where nothing unusual happened. Truly, coverage that makes the viewer emotionally erect!!

Quick summaries - more to come

St Kilda Saints - The AFL's answer to The Simpsons

Despite their lack of success, the club became tremendously popular. The correlation between on-field failure and off-field popularity was first noted in the 1920s when "St Kilda fluctuated between mediocrity and abject incompetence, a mix which paradoxically seemed to endear them to the public. " Aside from being reflected in its spoon collection, St Kilda's losing culture is reflected in its club song. St Kilda footballers have never really taken the issue of a victory song seriously because it never seemed likely that they would need one. Consequently, the club has had a habit of choosing ridiculous songs. One of their early songs was about living besides the sea. It started off singing about being by the sea, then predicts that St Kilda will be premiers, only to then say that there is a chance that St Kilda will be premiers. For some reason, it then finishes by singing about being beside the sea.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside,
Oh I do like to be beside the sea.
And down at the junction there's a football ground
And there St Kilda can be found.

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